NOTE: I wrote this about a year ago before Donald Trump had won the Republican nomination. I genuinely thought it would be irrelevant in a month, and now that it's not, it would feel unpatriotic not to stand by it. This is going to be featured in a Best Of The Skewer book later this year.
I never thought I’d see the day when a reality tv star would have a shot at the Presidency. What’s next, Honey Boo Boo for Secretary of State? Har har...
Alright enough of that. Now to be serious…
First off, I’m not going to go into well-worn territory here since plenty has been said about the election, but there’s one thing that every conversation seems to miss. The fact is even if Donald Trump wins the general election and becomes President of the United States, we don’t have to keep him.
There are ways to get rid of a President.
Sure, there’s always the impeachment thing.
But there’s a faster way.
I think my liberal friends, moderate Republicans, and anyone else that’s afraid Trump would ruin this country should all just relax.
Because we can just shoot him.
It’s not something that happens in this country really, but it’s a way people solve problems in their governments all over the world. It’s kind of like the ultimate “trump card.”
Some puns are too good to pass up.
I know, it sounds like it’d be tragic, but that’s only because as Americans our reference point is Abraham Lincoln or JFK. The major difference with those guys is we actually liked them.
JFK was easily the hottest President, so a huge loss right there.
And Lincoln is beloved all over. He declared slavery illegal and fought to keep the country united. Even people today who might not totally agreed with the 13th Amendment, they still love Lincoln just to point out that he was a Republican. He’s a party-wide “I’m not racist” card.
Yet you might be surprised to learn that President Garfield was also assassinated, because you’re surprised to learn we had a President Garfield. It’s good to remember we’ve bounced back from stuff like this before, and not every national crisis is worth a “Never Forget” back tattoo.
Some people are so against Trump that they would hate to see him assassinated. They don’t support my modest proposal because they worry Trump’s legacy would paint him as a great leader. But if we simply follow the model of Garfield and adopt the name for a fat, orange cat in the Sunday cartoons (maybe call it Plump Trump), there’s no risk he’d sustain any respect posthumous.
It’d be cheap too. We wouldn’t have to build him anything either, since he’s already got his name on a bunch of buildings. We can just rename it: the Trump Memorial Hotel.
Who would do it is a tricky question. Unfortunately, someone will have to take one for the team. We can’t call them hero, at least not in the history books, but whoever steps up will alone have the satisfaction of delivering that signature catchphrase - “you’re fired.” Sometimes irony is its own reward.
Now some people have compared Trump to Hitler which I don’t think is fair since we have one thing Germany didn’t have: the 2nd Amendment of the mutha fuckin US Constitution! Mericuh! So let’s use it as the founding fathers intended! Not for duck hunting, but to protect against tyranny!
And of course Trump is a tyrant. He has all the markings. He already lives in the gold-played Penthouse of Versailles and shits on a gold toilet. Really. He’s like a Bond villain with less depth.
I know my critics will say, “you can’t just shoot people you disagree with politically, blah blah.” I’m saying you have to shoot… poison, stab, leave him in a hot car. The method isn’t the point.
The point is, as out-there as this article seems, it’s not far off from the bat-shit crazy things he says. Sure, he has been fun to watch. It’s a good show. I’m sure the Hindenburg was a good show too, but someone only says bat-shit crazy things in his position if they think they’re invulnerable and there’s no consequences.
The POTUS is a real job and represents our country to the world. That person simply does not have the freedom to shoot off their mouth like a 1980s caricature with the temperament of a five-year-old rabid badger and the sex appeal of compost. Only a reality tv CEO of fake businesses can have that freedom, because as tempting as it seems in retrospect, no one was trying to off him.
As for the consequences of this article... I do recognize that what I’m suggesting here might be treason, and I’m not totally sure that is protected free speech. Perhaps I’ll call this “a satirical essay on the current state of political discourse,” as my lawyer advised.